For many years, I thought that the laziness and procrastination I experienced was my fault. I thought I was just “not in the mood” to get off the couch, to tear my eyes from the television, to dig myself out of a book. I was distracting myself from denial and crippling anxiety. I thought I was somewhat depressed when my feet didn’t touch the floor in the morning. Often, the facts are intangible; my mood disorder was at play.
More than two decades passed before I grasped the whole situation. My therapist informed me that I was not clinically “in the mood.” It is due in part to my mood disorder. Sometimes I feel lazy. Sometimes I feel overwhelmed by stress and resort to procrastination. I know it sounds unbelievable, but the truth sinks in and the excuse becomes reality. My dog ate my homework.
In college, while strenuously attempting to graduate, I failed my drawing class twice. Part of the reason was my immense difficulty with perspective and reality. Those monsters follow me everywhere. However; there were other forces causing me to suffocate under my sketch book. I was filled with anxiety before I entered the classroom. It worsened as I set foot inside. I continued to try, fail, stand up and try again. I could not win, so I began to skip class. When I reached this point, the dread settled deep in the recesses of my mind and body. Just one day, right? Just one class? I was a commuter student. I lived at home and drove thirty minutes to college every day, depending on my class schedule. Sometimes, I would drive to the school for the sole purpose of attending my drawing class. Sometimes I made it into the building. Occasionally I made it down the hall. To the door. Peeked in. When I recalled how many lessons I had missed, my stomach filled with angry bats. I turned around and drove home. This behavior continued for months, so I failed my drawing class twice. I was so “out of the mood” that my body was stuck in quicksand so deep I could barely breathe. I still have bouts with my mood disorder and have “lazy” days. I am surprised and proud that I graduated, however; I did not graduate with a credit from my drawing class.
–SJB