“Leaving the Church” 8.20.21

Prince of Peace

To clarify, this illustration is a depiction on Jesus, not of my dad.

My dad, “Father Sam,” retired recently. He was my favorite preacher. Of course, I am biased, but his were not the only sermons that entered my head. I have heard other sermons at different churches. I have done my homework. Nobody preaches like my dad. His sermons resonated throughout the week, and will reside inside my mind and heart for the rest of my life. As a priest and a dad, “Father Sam” taught me many lessons. These are some examples: God is love. God forgives. Love your neighbor as yourself, and not only the person who lives next door. Keep growing. Build relationships and work through conflict with words. Encourage God to shine God’s light into your life. God is everywhere. Church is a place of fellowship and worship, but not the only place to feel God’s presence. Jesus is a corrective measure. The Kingdom of Heaven is on Earth.

I grew up in the forests; I climbed the tallest trees. I swam in the cold, refreshing whitewater rivers. I wanted to be Pocahontas. My family camped, hiked, swam, and traveled the country. I have never seen a family bond like the one we share. Dad plays a large role in gluing us together.

When I was little, going to church was mandatory. I thought the point of church was to hear Dad preach. Over the years, worship has changed me, and now I know Daily Morning Prayer Rite II by heart. I confess that I have not read the Bible cover to cover, but I have heard most of the parables, and a good many Old Testament stories. The ritual of Holy Communion has always been sacred to me. I have taken a leave of absence from the church. It is no longer my duty to show up, worship, and keep important secrets. Though I am relieved of my “preacher’s kid” duties, I feel a little empty inside. It is an emptiness I cannot fill with material possessions, no matter how full my Amazon shopping cart becomes. God is everywhere, and much like mental illness, God appears invisible, though I have faith because I believe in the unseen.

I have thought about this for some time. Going to church all the Sundays of my life has been special to me. My mom, three sisters and I have always been seated in the front pew. As I understand, it is hard for a child to concentrate and listen for an hour. So, my earlier days in the church were spent reading, coloring, and listening selectively. The most special part about that time in my life was napping on my mom’s lap. As an adult in church, I have often been tempted to do the same.

When I was six years old, my friend, Rob, and I became acolytes. We carried the candles during the procession into and out of the church. Early Christians worshipped in caves to hide their spiritual practices from those who meant them harm. The purpose of the candles in the procession is to remind us of the darkness of the caves, where the only light shining inside was that of the candles and of God’s Holy presence within.

I realize now that the church does not rest on my dad’s shoulders. It is more complicated. My relationship with God was instilled inside of me from the start, and while my dad had a hand in guiding Jesus into my heart, God has been there all along. Leave the church? Maybe for a bit of a vacation, but probably not forever.

—SJB