Many people suffer from memory loss for some reason or another. Some are older and their minds are failing them. Some have illnesses that whisk their memories away. Some people have memory loss because they have suffered great trauma and their minds want to forget. I don’t want to forget. But I do.
Before I was admitted to the first hospital in the string of hospitals that I inhabited in 2013, my psychiatrist had been negligent. He had taken away my anti-psychotic and not replaced it; then he went on vacation. I couldn’t reach him when I needed him most.
In the first hospital, having been on medication for many years, I decided to see if I could do without it. I quickly realized that was not an option. If I didn’t take my pills, I got a painful shot of an anti-psychotic in the rear end. That made me drowsy, and I began to lose time.
I kept a sketchbook and recorded my days so I wouldn’t forget them. I tried desperately to remember and to hold on to my sanity. There were times when I would black out and say offensive things or behave irrationally without my knowledge. I would suddenly go dark and say something I wouldn’t remember a second later. But those around me were affected and didn’t know it was without my control.
After many months in hospitals, I did lose some of my sanity. It was easy to lose hope that I would ever be myself again.
I forgot how to eat. I didn’t sleep. I didn’t take my medication. I had shock therapy. I no longer recognized my parents. I don’t pretend to know how they felt at that desperate time. Now that I am aware of forgetting them, it pains me, though it was without my control.
Today, and every day since, my memory has never been the same. I forget what I am saying in the middle of a thought. I don’t remember watching a movie two nights ago. At the end of the day, I can’t remember walking with my mom that morning.
My short-term memory fails me because of my trauma, but I don’t forget the important memories that make me who I am. I hold on to my parents and those I love with both arms wrapped tightly around them. Physically, mentally, and emotionally. I never lose sight of the light that burns ever brighter in their presence.
I may forget, but I also remember.
—SJB