Sometimes I can still feel the shots in my rear end, years later. I had felt so violated, and pain memories run deep.
I tried to face the world without medications, after years of being stable on the drugs I had been prescribed. In the hospital, refusing medication granted you a shot in the butt and a good long nap in an uncomfortable chair surrounded by troubled strangers.
My psychiatrist at the time was negligent; one of those doctors who doesn’t genuinely care about your health, but just wants to write your prescriptions and watch you walk away.
He went on vacation after changing my meds in a drastic manner. I couldn’t reach him when I needed him most. He was too far away to care, and when I was in the hospital, he never visited even after his vacation.
I was experiencing all of the symptoms of mania. I had no appetite. I did not sleep, unless I was sedated. I talked constantly. My handwriting was so sloppy it couldn’t be deciphered. My judgment was flawed. I had a higher sense of confidence. I was hyper sexual. I had SO much energy.
I kept a sketchbook and put my creativity to great use, which kept me busy. My manic energy was pent up and I couldn’t even go outside. There was no exercise regimen. I had extreme cases of cabin fever.
I could not concentrate well enough to read. I prayed a lot. I went to group therapy, which helped immensely. I made a lot of new friends. It is easy to make friends when you are stuck in a room with them all day and prohibited from returning to your bedroom.
Mania escalated to psychosis quickly, due to refusing medication. I was lost for a very long time. My strength ultimately came from those who love me. Staying alive and escaping the hospital became a goal I needed to reach in order to return to them. I fought for them. Knowing they were waiting and hurting on the other side of those walls gave me courage and saved my life.
I know from experience that you can live with mania without drugs, but it will suck the life out of you. I needed help, and I know that I will be taking medication for the rest of my life to keep it at bay. There is no shame in getting help when you need it. Have courage. Take control of your life. Don’t let Berman win.
—SJB
*Berman is mental illness personified.