Mom huddled beside me at the bottom of the stairs. She treated my depression as if it were as serious as the flu. Now I know it’s more like invisible flu.
In my life, pockets are sanctuary for idle hands. In group settings, I do not know what to do with my hands; a dress with pockets or a sweatshirt with a hood give me comfort. When I was in the eighth grade, my family moved from a town with no secrets to a large world without pockets. I was immensely overwhelmed. I could feel the depression eating me alive, swallowing me whole. I thought it would pass, but it only got worse. The dreadful stomachaches began when I was twelve. I had no psychiatrist, only a pediatrician. He couldn’t put a finger on it. There wasn’t clear evidence of physical ailment, so he was out of his element.
This part is important and doesn’t apply to everyone. I learned it the hard way. Those in dire need of help often do not receive it. I discovered-in my journey through school- that help was available to me and I was unaware. Therefore; I did not benefit from services provided. I suffered greatly through school, nearly failing college. I was not informed about Disability Resources. There is treatment, open doors; help was obtainable. I had to ask. For years I could have been learning at my own pace, taking space, decreasing the burden of stress in my body. Upon this discovery, I was permitted to leave in the middle of a school day to visit my psychiatrist and enjoy lunch before returning to class. I napped in a comfortable chair for hours waiting for my appointments. Sleep is so important when treating my case, and who doesn’t want an afternoon siesta? I did not technically skip school, but my life was much more comfortable than I imagined possible. I urge anyone dealing with these issues to explore this avenue. The illness did not define me, but I had no idea it was real. I thought I was alone.
When we moved to Savannah, Georgia, I was behind in all my classes and dreadful stomachaches occurred often. Reading Greek mythology was more than I could handle in the moment. My mom understood this, and she was a light in my darkness. We finished “The Odyssey” together. My odyssey had just begun.
–SJB