“More Than Normal” 11.18.22

I woke up this morning with a different perspective on my psychiatric struggles. I am feeling excited, lucky, and special. I have two psychiatric disorders mixed together. Time, effort, and a great amount of juggling have caused stability in my life. It is difficult to rise above, so I am proud and happy with my work. Writing, drawing, coloring and producing books to my target audience has always been my dream, but I never imagined how therapeutic it would be for my wellbeing. Creativity brings peace. When I was diagnosed with bipolar I disorder, I reached out to receive all of the help and all of the knowledge I could summon. I have been studying this disorder over the course of several years. I was diagnosed at sixteen, and the medications I was administered not only kept my moods stable; they covered up the schizophrenic part of my illness. Schizophrenia laid dormant in my mind long before I was made aware. It fascinates me. In college, I wasn’t able to study psychology; at the time, I thought I knew everything there was to know, and that I would be bored. This was a delusion. I acknowledge now that I am still learning. I will continue to grow and change for the rest of my life.

Though I have been studying bipolar I disorder for more than half my life, I have just scratched the surface with my understanding of schizophrenia. I am quenching my thirst for comprehension; I read and research the work of others as I search deep within myself for answers. Frequently, I converse with my soul. Some might say this is far from “normal.” Sometimes my disorder is exciting, and cause for great happiness; other times it can be scary, a bit uncomfortable, difficult and frustrating. I have traveled a great distance to reach stability. I have a severe case of schizoaffective disorder, so this journey has not been easy. As I am living in this moment, I am grateful for the capability to share my story and to hide no more. I am not alone and neither are you. If you or someone you love is struggling, I hope to shine a light; giving you hope that every day is different. When patience is failing, remember the beautiful parts of yourself trying to break through. This is not the end, but we can take comfort in the good days, knowing that we are much more special than “normal.”

–SJB