“Why Me?” 03.22.24

Many years ago, I learned that routine is important in the life of someone who cannot remember appointments, loses track of time, and generally lets the day slip away without bearing much fruit. Routine is beneficial for people who often say, “I will do that tomorrow,” but “tomorrow” never arrives. Yesterdays are empty. Delayed gratification does not exist without structure.

I am one of those people.

My evening routine includes a cup of calming tea. I start to relax, losing touch with reality as I am engrossed in the pages of a novel. I typically cannot finish my tea before an ear-splitting scream emits from my phone; my alarm commanding the consumption of my meds. Hot tea does not mix well with cold water, so my stomach is uneasy for a while after. Every night, when that alarm startles me I ask myself quietly, “Why me?” “Why did this happen to me?” I feel a touch of resentment, but also a drive to help others; a sense of purpose.

Life is more difficult for some than for others. There are homeless people on the streets speaking audibly to the voices in their heads. Cardboard boxes once full of refrigerators house starving individuals who cannot afford proper medical care. Communities are assembled under bridges in order to protect and shelter people without the ability to hold jobs due to mental instability. I know how fortunate I am, resting in a warm bed, my voices contained inside my head. I frequently wonder why my mind is so drastically unique. I may never know why the burden of mental illness has been draped across my shoulders. Carrying that weight has strengthened my core. I realize that though my life is a roller coaster, there aren’t any empty seats on this ride.

–SJB