Side effects of certain meds are sometimes inevitable. Even without medication, certain changes can develop within your body and mind when you are unstable. As for me, I got the rare ones.
The message I am trying to send to you is hope. Hope for a future you can be happy with, despite the side-effects. A future you can control. I would say that most everyone does not develop the rare side-effects that I have. I just thought I would share, to be completely honest about the fact that while side-effects do sometimes develop, I wouldn’t have it any other way. Meds have greatly improved my life. I have tested the waters of a life without medication, and it was to my detriment. But everyone has a choice, and I won’t pretend to know your issues. I am just sharing mine. Everyone’s story is different. These are the Chronicles of Jane.
When I was first diagnosed at age sixteen–and it was decided that I had Bipolar I Disorder–I was on a medication that made me so tired that I couldn’t keep track of when or if I had taken it daily. My dad had to administer it. When it was decided that that med wasn’t the best for me, my psychiatrist moved in a different direction. That was when some of the worst side-effects began.
I am a runner. Or I used to be. Now I have bad knees and am afraid of a certain side-effect that ails me particularly when I exercise strenuously. It is named “ocular gyro crisis.” It is very rare and hard to diagnose. For a while, I had trouble explaining the symptoms, and had to deal with it a lot longer than I would have if anyone really understood what was going on. I will try to explain it to you.
When I first started to notice, I was confused and terribly afflicted by this side-effect. It was extremely difficult to deal with, especially during cross country races. My eyes would travel up, though I tried to focus on the path in front of me. I would focus on the ground, but my eyes would slowly move up to the tops of trees. To the untrained eye, it looked like I was rolling my eyes. I could not focus them. My coach suggested I was dehydrated and recommended that I drink more fluids.
After many efforts to explain it to my parents, as I am failing to explain it to you, they took me to see my psychiatrist. He said that he thought it could be a rare side-effect of my anti-psychotic, but that he had never seen a case of it. He called a neurologist. The neurologist said that he had never seen a case of this either, but that the symptoms sounded accurate for a diagnosis of “ocular gyro crisis.” He conferred with a neurologist who specialized in eye movement. That doctor had seen only nine cases in his whole career, but he confirmed.
My psychiatrist switched my meds again, but unfortunately, it didn’t go away. I now take a prescription form of antihistamine three times a day, as well as two over the counter antihistamines every day at two o’clock. But I also don’t run anymore. And for me, that is the equivalent of losing my wings.
I took other medications and had other side-effects. Severe cases of acne, and unfortunately, rapid weight gain. I went from little more than 100 lbs to 186 lbs in the course of less than a year. It took me three years to lose all of that weight, and if you are struggling with weight gain due to meds, I can identify. I know how miserable I was, and don’t wish it on anyone. I am not trying to body shame. Everyone has a beautiful body designed by God. Meds can cause weight gain just as easily as natural causes.
It is not my intent to deter you from seeking help or from trying meds with the supervision of a psychiatrist. There are several side-effects with many different medications, but the risks–for me–greatly outweigh the alternative. And there is always hope, and great probability that you can work through all of them and rise above.
—SJB