“It’s Gonna Be Me”
I tend to repeat myself. Sometimes a thought crosses my mind, and I instantly seek writing utensils. Most of these thoughts spill off the pages. They roll off my tongue before I can catch them. The people in my life are quite patient. My tendency to speak incessantly and loudly is a result of a shallow short-term memory, caused by years on antipsychotics. When I reach for a pen to jot a note, many times I read the words I meant to cover for the first time. I forget, so I repeat. This is one of my favorite stories, which I am certain you may have already heard. Documenting my life through my words helps me to remember. The act is therapeutic.
Not every man has a heart big enough to agree upon an N*SYNC “first dance” song. It is the truest example of love.
When I was younger, N*SYNC was my favorite boy band (it still is).
My favorite song is track six, This I Promise You, on their “No Strings Attached” album. This particular quote is still fresh in my memory:
“The one you should call was standing here all along.”
In the fifth grade, I was a little boy crazy. I kept a journal, and there were several crushes bound to the spine. This lyric was super-glued in my mind as I searched for the boy who had been “standing there all along.” Most nights, I cried myself to sleep waiting for him. I attribute some of these feelings to the early onset of my depression, mixed with “normal” adolescent angst.
Many years later, in 2016, I met a man who rocked my world. He didn’t know that. Often, I visited him at work. I brought him coffee and created reasons to see him. I flirted; I laughed. He is a highly intelligent person with a marvelous sense of humor, but in the art of romance, I had to make the first moves or they wouldn’t happen.
After many months of friendship and a budding relationship, I realized that I was “standing there all along.”
So, we danced.
–SJB