Author: Samantha Jane Buice

*Serotonin is a chemical in your brain that sparks happiness*

Every good day begins with coffee. I have been in the habit of ordering large, expensive drinks full of sugar and espresso. This sustenance sits in my stomach, curbing my appetite until dinner time. The lack of food intake is dangerous, considering all of the medications I currently consume. Vegetables do not make the cut in my daily diet. I do not drink enough water. Needless to say, I do not treat my body like a temple.

Since the age of sixteen, I have been struggling with my weight. I was eight pounds heavier than average, but eighteen away from my ideal. I began a diet consisting of slimming shakes and diet sodas. I was on the high school cross country team and running all the time, but I was never satisfied with the number on the scale. Once I accomplished my goal, I thought, “Yay! I’m skinny! I can eat whatever I want!” The cycle continued, throughout my life. Up and down.

When I was committed to a hospital in south Georgia, I forgot how to eat and nearly starved to death. I was skin and bones when I was transferred to a hospital in Maryland. During my visit, one of the medications I ingested was causing rapid weight gain. I was released two months later, weighing an extra 90lbs.

“They” said it would take approximately two years for my brain trauma to subside after the hospital experience and electroconvulsive therapy. After eleven years, the pain has abated and the events are cloudy; I rarely think about those days, though this is part of my story. There are; however, memories that linger. Tucked away in a bright corner of my mind, these memories are not wholly unpleasant. I made friends, I laughed, I created art. I was surrounded by people without judgement. These friends understood the struggle, we had nothing to hide from each other, and felt no need to cover our wounds. Surrounded by my fellows, who had become my family, I experienced serotonin in the form of unconditional love.

Exercise also boosts serotonin levels. I have injuries which prevent me from running. Nothing else captures that joy, that high, that feeling of accomplishment. My dad and I work out together. I have been riding the stationary bike, almost catching that high; I feel elated and exhausted. We work out during the day, with many retirees. The older athletes are dedicated and friendly. I don’t listen to music, as we converse jovially. I am inspired. Quickly, I joined this new family. I am on my way to healthiness, but have reached happiness. I am no longer starving, but filled with strength.

–SJB

We recently celebrated Valentine’s Day. Traditionally, this is a day to commemorate our romantic relationships with chocolate, flowers, and babysitters. In my experience, there are three versions of love, including but not necessarily romantic love.

Infatuation/Lust:

You meet a “tall, dark and handsome,” probably online. Sparks fly on the first date, fireworks erupt when you first kiss. Your “butterflies” are reciprocated. Most of the time is spent “cuddling.” This is the beginning. Lust hovers over the relationship, blinding view of the red flags. Quite possibly, you will soon fall out of bed and open your eyes. This is hardly love. “But” ignorance is bliss.

In Love/Honeymoon Love

Everything is new and exciting. A couple has passed the “infatuation” phase, yet that is possibly where they began. People can fall in and out of love, over the course of a long-term commitment. Hopefully they built a relationship on a foundation of friendship, because sadly, the “honeymoon” stage doesn’t last forever.

Unconditional Love

*When a statement is followed by “but,” it cannot be entirely factual.

*”You have completed all tasks. I am so proud of you, but this part needs improvement.”

*”Everything is under control, but backup would be great…”

*”I love you, but this is what you could change.”

When a relationship is solid, whether it is romantic, friendship, or family there are no buts. This love is bone deep. Loving someone with your whole heart requires diligence. A person cannot love another unconditionally if they can cast them aside when they are “finished.” When someone says, “I was going to tell you I love you, but…not anymore,” it is not love, but a lie. Real love is not easy. Hard work is involved. Truly loving someone is refusing to give up when times are difficult. Unconditional love is beautiful and stands the test of time.

On this day and all days, celebrate your love…without buts.

–SJB

In a world wrought with technology, we are abandoning our social skills; personal connections are hanging by threads as the ropes of technology grow taut. Essentially, we are inching toward isolation from ourselves and the rest of humanity. We teeter on the tightrope, oblivious of the depths below us. What happens when we can no longer look each other in the eye? I believe that if there were a way to physically insert oneself into the virtual world, many would attempt that feat. Most are nearly there already. We are sleepwalkers.

I am not very old, but Once Upon a Time…

People read books that required the labor of turning a page. News was gathered by word and on paper. Television was our “screen time.” We had to wait a week for the next episode of our favorite shows. They were not streamable. It was tradition in our family to celebrate Friday night with pizza and a movie. We ordered five dollar pizza from a human employee, and chose a VHS tape from Blockbuster. We always followed the policy of “Be kind. Rewind.” Today, we have a wide selection of streamable movies and shows. We don’t even have to leave the comfort of our living rooms. Pizza costs forty dollars and we order it from our mobile phones with an automated “employee.”

There were no mobile phones. “Selfies” weren’t possible. Photographs were printed and people returned in several days to retrieve and pay for them. One hour photos were a breakthrough. There were no texts. Students discreetly passed notes on folded college ruled paper. Personally, I prefer that method. There was a greater risk of getting caught, and that was exciting. Finding handwritten notes in our lockers was fun.

The internet did not exist. Knowledge was obtained from encyclopedias. Social media was unfathomable. Eyes were not glued to phones. People counted their steps without fancy wrist watches, and looked up to observe their surroundings. Trees were climbed; children swam without long sleeves.

Call me old fashioned, but I like to look at people when I speak to them. My husband makes fun of me for “bothering” strangers by requesting advice from fellow grocery shoppers about their preferences for household products. Sometimes I need fresh eyes when in search of an item I have probably been staring at for a few minutes without success. When my husband and I get lost, instead of driving around in circles listening to a frustrating automated voice, I ask a human for directions. I start conversations and no one is a stranger; everyone is a person. I value “face time,” over Face Time.

Today, we so heavily rely on technology that when it crashes, we are lost. Once, my husband left the house without informing me of his whereabouts, left his phone, and his car was gone. I panicked when I realized I had no way to reach him. Impatiently, I awaited his return. Twenty years ago, I may not have reacted this way. He could go about his business and I would not worry. Technology has created this panic. Now, immersed in the virtual world, we are crippled when it fails us. Has “face time” become extinct?”

–SJB

I apologize for my lack of words last week. I have much to share, but need some time to gather my thoughts.

Everyone deserves a vacation, right?

–SJB

Sometimes the most convincing comedian is hurting on the inside, while those around him laugh at his intentional hilarity. The joker lacks the smile he conjures on their faces. He lives in a state of invisible despair. Depression takes root, an overbearing monster.

Monsters are created in the dark, but they cannot hide forever. They linger in the deepest closets of our minds; they conceal themselves under our beds, and create shadows on the walls of our childhood, lurking in the recesses of our memories. Some monsters are able to take complete control, while others are suppressed with medication. In many cases, a monster surfaces whenever it pleases, despite the wishes of its host.

Lacking aid and support, rising from a troubled past, and developed over time, the monster grows. In some cases, a “villain” is created. Tragically, the person carrying the monster is often accused for crimes, due to the fact that someone must be held accountable, and the monster is intangible. Blameless, the depression ravages the mind, roaming free while the person takes the fall.

When I watch films, I have sympathy for the “bad guy,” knowing how difficult it is to deal with these issues, especially alone. These characters, fictional or not, are suffering on the inside. Every case of psychiatric disorder is unique and often damaging. We all have a past, and some are without control of their own life, born with an illness they cannot bear. Monsters wreak havoc and sometimes violence is a side-effect.

I recently watched a movie about the creation of the “Joker,” a popular super villain. He wrote a note stating that the worst thing about having mental illness is that people expect you to behave as if you don’t.

We shut the windows, lock the doors, wrap ourselves in tight blankets. If we cannot see the world, the world cannot see us. We hide to protect ourselves in a cruel world, avoiding eye contact, ashamed of our “flaws.” There will always be people who do not understand, who claim “normalcy” in order to shift attention from their imperfections. Mental illness is a sensitive topic of conversation, but hear me when I say that we are not broken. Hiding feels safe, but can be quite a burden. Remember that you are not alone.

A message for all loved ones: Keep close watch over your jokers.

–SJB

Tomorrow is my 36th birthday!!

My life has been touched by so many others. Today, I celebrate those in my life who have made me smile and laugh, have offered their assistance without question, cried with me, listened to me, and made me feel special. My life has not been perfect, but I was given the key ingredients for a great one. I am surrounded by people who bring joy into my soul, where I feel loved, happy, and blessed. Thank you for your unconditional love and support in my life.

Big shout out to Mom and Dad! Thanks!!

–SJB

Trauma stops time. We are forever held captive, despite our many travels around the sun. Eleven years ago, my life was frozen.

I understand that memories can be distorted, but some of them are never forgotten.

March 6th, 2013

I panicked. I called my best friend and really scared her; she thought that my distress was due to a car accident, or something more tangible. My dad came upstairs to my bedroom and spoke to her through my phone; he told her I was alright. My meds were off and I was manic. My doctor couldn’t be reached. I packed a bag.

They administered shots before I was admitted to the hospital. They took away my stuffed animal, my books, and my Birkenstocks. They told me I could keep my hoodie, but had to cut the strings. I did.

The kitchen was closed when I arrived, and I had not eaten dinner. I tried to take a shower, but was told it wasn’t “shower time.” I did not sleep.

March 7th, 2013

In the morning, I ate breakfast with strangers. I was in pain, as I had a shot of Zyprexa (antipsychotic) moments before. I had refused oral medication.

My sketch book was allowed, as were my colored pencils; that was my outlet. Shrouded in my hoodie, I disappeared in a corner; my imagination granted me solitude and means to escape.

March 14th, 2013

I continued to refuse oral medication, so my condition worsened. The orderlies tasked with administering shots in vulnerable spots on my body became wary of me. At that time, I was hostile, and had steadily honed not only my body, but my words into weapons.

March 14th, 2013: Lunch

The strangers I dined with on that first night quickly became my best friends. There was; however, a problem. I had begun to black out frequently. I was punished often, for offenses I couldn’t recall. Randomly, I stood and spouted terrible things about my fellows. I would then snap out of it and sit down, observing astonished faces. Shortly thereafter, I was carted off to eat lunch alone.

Friday, January 5th, 2024

Throughout the last decade, I have been painting, writing, drawing, coloring, and studying. These activities have aided my healing process. Released from psychiatric facilities across the country, I built a life based on study and creative outlets to cope with persistent issues and side-effects. My illness progressed and I now have trouble with my short-term memory. I tell stories and repeat myself. I strive to push these tales out in order to move on, much to the dismay of those close to me (people who have heard them countless times). The details are hazy.

I hear voices within my mind. They do not approach me audibly. My voices are peaceful and friendly, but there is a darkness inside me I cannot control in my own voice. Sometimes the “blackout voice” emerges, though I mean no harm. It surfaces unbidden. I know a lot about mental illness, especially my own, but I do not know everything. If you run across this voice, please know that I mean no offense, and that I am actively working to harness this obstacle.

–SJB

–SJB

The holidays are happy times for many people. However; they are also a terrible pain for others. Falling on hard times financially. Sickness. Loss of loved ones. It is one of the seasons that takes the most lives. Here is the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline, in case you or someone you love is even thinking about this idea. NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness) has more information and aid. There is plenty of help when/if you need it.

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline

988

Imagination lives inside our minds, invisible to the naked eye. We witness the unfolding of our thoughts, alone. Does that make them delusions? Where do we draw that line?

In childhood, art seeped through my pores. I expressed myself with ink, color, and words. Children’s books flowed from my fingers like fluid speech; my typewriter became an extension of myself.

Without imagination, my world would be dark. An environment void of creativity is unfathomable. However, for a twelve-year-old girl struggling with her first signs of depression, my darkness was leading me into that cavern. I knew nothing about delusions and their possible connections to my imagination.

Years later, dancing between depression and mania, I had a psychotic break. When I was twenty-five years old, I checked into a psychiatric hospital, where the “schizo” part of my disorder came out to play. I had hallucinations, nightmares, and delusions. These are events I could never have imagined. I was filled with untruths, convinced they were facts. During this period in my life, I coped with madness by utilizing words and colors. My imagination was my safe haven, the location of my inner peace.

I believe that delusions differ from imagination in many ways, though they share key ingredients. Both are intangible, but delusions cause us to reach an edge and blindly fall into chaos. Imagination is kept secret in our minds, a place only we can visit. We are free to wander safely and dive head first into an abyss of our choosing. Imagination is openly followed. Delusions are intruders.

–SJB