depression

“Depression: The Burden” 5.28.21

Samantha Jane Buice

I am not currently depressed, but that’s because I am heavily medicated. I know that more than a handful of people are feeling anxious and depressed right now. It’s hard to stay indoors for days, fearful of a deadly virus which, in all actuality, is not completely gone. We are going about our daily lives trying to pick up the pieces where we left off, but there is a new normal and I believe we are celebrating too soon. This is negative thinking, but when you are depressed everything is stressful, including the state of the country and the fate of human kind.

I have an emotional support dog named Logan. He likes to ride on my shoulder all the time. When we ride in the car he snuggles in tight behind my neck, as I am his human seatbelt. He used to be much smaller, but now weighs a little under ten pounds. Carrying him is a bit more challenging but not impossible. Every case of depression is different, but when I am depressed I barely have the energy to talk, laugh or smile. I am physically and emotionally drained. I carry the burden of depression on my shoulders like baggage weighing much more than the weight of my dog.

When I am suffering through this mood, I want nothing more than to lie down and distract myself with a tv show or a really good book. I recommend medication because it has changed my life, but it is not everyone’s cup of tea.

Depression has a sneaky way of entering your mind. It is much easier to give in, give up, and feel defeated. Taking care of ourselves and processing these feelings leads to healing. It is important to note that depression is not your fault, you are not alone, and you are not lazy. It is okay to take a break and take a breath. This too shall pass. I learned recently that my feelings of “laziness” and “dread” are part of my mood disorder. I am not lazy. I am literally not in the mood. We must fight to accomplish tasks that need to be done, like getting out of bed, stepping outside, and encouraging the sun to help lift this mood. This depression will not last forever and delightful, invigorating, fantastic happy moments are on the horizon. There is life worth living!

—SJB

“Recognition” 4.9.21

Samantha Jane Buice

The mind is a powerful entity. Much of it is still a mystery. What causes us to dream, to remember, to recognize the people in our lives, and to comprehend the situations happening around us? I don’t have these answers, but I am no stranger to memory loss and lack of recognition.

When we are children, we are taught basic table manners. We learn how to use napkins, utensils, and to keep our elbows off the table. I never imagined that one day I would not recognize the relationship between the utensils and the food. The key to starving is forgetting how to eat.

I tell this story many times over because this is something I will never forget and letting it out helps with the pain of remembering. While I was in the psychiatric hospital in 2013, I didn’t realize that the medication the doctors were trying to force down my throat was for my benefit. I couldn’t recognize that the doctors weren’t “bad guys.” I had horrible dreams that felt so much like reality. They clouded my judgment and caused me to believe my delusions. It was nearly impossible to talk me down.

Worse than mania, depression, psychosis, memory loss, or delusions, was not recognizing my parents and loved ones. I understand now how much harder that was for them than it was for me. I have been reminiscing today and some terrible memories have come to light. I am sure that during our sheltering in place we have all had time to think about things we wanted to bury. Memories can be repressed, but they are always in the back of our minds, waiting to be remembered.

Sit down. Write down what you are remembering, good or bad. It may help you to release some of your emotions. While it is more fun to drown our sorrows by binge watching television, we have to do the real work of recognizing our deepest traumas if we are to put our bad memories behind us. Talk to someone you trust. Release your emotions. Recognize your feelings. Cry. Laugh. Heal.

—SJB