“Birthday Blessings” 9.10.21

My Grandma Sandy is a fountain of wisdom, a brave soul, has a huge heart, and stands up for individuals who need her most. She invites strangers to her house on Thanksgiving. She loves all and she is full of prayer. She doesn’t tolerate bullying. She is a pioneer in the way of taking steps toward positive change.

Sandy befriended a person with mental illness and strives to engage him in social settings, getting out of the house, and living life to its fullest. These can be challenges when one feels down and out. Sandy is tenacious and I know that she will never give up on this endeavor. When someone is suffering with a mental health condition such as depression, it’s like drowning. We struggle to tread water. It can be difficult to get out of bed. Walking around feels like a chore. Cleaning the kitchen? Keeping a tidy house? Yeah, right. Think again. Sometimes, it takes too much energy to utter words. We must jump through hoops to get back on our feet. Society does not understand this invisible threat, and those who carry the burden of mental illness know this better than anyone, yet no one wants to talk about it. In their state of ignorance, “normal” people try to push these issues under the rug and ignore them; if you can’t see them, no one else will, right? Mental illness is not caused by fault and is not a shameful secret. The stigma associated with the mentally ill leads to the belief that we are the “bad guys.” Not so.

While the stigma rounds us all up and stamps a label on our heads, we all suffer differently and do not fit neatly in a box. There are human beings with mental illness who live beautiful lives despite the “Berman” traveling with them. Mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers, cousins, grandparents, friends. Just because you aren’t labeled doesn’t mean that mental illness doesn’t lurk inside your mind.

Recently, my grandma and her friend were at a group assembly and people told her to “Stay away from him!” My grandma said, “Shut up!” She protected her new friend from close-minded bullies. There are those in society who live in denial about the existence of mental illness because they do not want to accept the truth and move forward. The world is full of nonbelievers, but I hope that gradually those numbers will see the light and treat people with respect instead of fear. I am so proud of my grandma. Bullies should never have the last word. Sandy is a blessing in my life and many others. May this day and all days be filled with her radiance and courage.

–SJB

I dedicate this article to two of the loves in my life, on their birthday.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, GRANDMA SANDY!!!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, COURTNEY BLAIR CARROLL SANTOS!!!

“Mom” 8.27.21

I am grateful beyond words for my mom. I am her firstborn. She has always kept me out of harm’s way. She encouraged me as a child and as an adult to reach for my dreams, work for them, and achieve them. I realize how lucky I am. She is one of my greatest loves. I have many loves in my life, and thanks to her, I not only have Mom and Dad. She gave me three wonderful sisters. My mom is not only the bearer of daughters. She is my best friend.

When I was a child, I was very particular about clothing. I wouldn’t wear tights, hated elastic, and never wore shorts or pants. I didn’t want to wear tight fitting clothes. If I had my way, I would have run around naked. Before my chest developed, I pretty much did. I normally wore loose dresses that I picked out. I was all about comfort, without a care for fashion. It bothered my mom to no end. I would try to get away with wearing a dress several days in a row, and all of my family members–immediate and extended–remember a specific green dress.

Mom and I got into huge fights about my wardrobe. I pitched angry fits. One day, she handed me to Dad and he ended the dressing battles. The rules were that I came up the stairs, lifted my arms, and twirled around so he could smell me. If I didn’t smell like a “little goat” (as my mom would refer to me upon sniffing my forehead), I could wear whatever I wanted, much to Mom’s chagrin. My relationship with my mom began to strengthen after our frustrations subsided. I love my mom, and I always have. It is difficult to relay that message when you have had a big fight.

My mom has been with me through thick and thin. I am tired of talking about the hospital, which I think is a very good step away. One last time. Mom was devastated. She had to go to work every day knowing where I was, thinking about me, and telling no one. At one point, I didn’t recognize her. Still she fought to bring me home, knowing in her heart that I would return. She brought me her homemade bread when I wasn’t eating. I devoured it. There is no way to turn down that bread. Absolutely no way.

In my adult life, we have spent a lot of time together. I visit her and Dad every Saturday for breakfast; sometimes she stops by my house for coffee. Often we have walked together. We have been on many road trips and she is good company. She decorates her house for my birthday every year no matter how old I get, and makes my favorite cupcakes (red velvet with cream cheese icing). When Rush and I got married, she planned the whole day and helped to make it the best day of my life. She makes my whole life special.

My mom is a huge part of my life, and without her I would be lost. She is my guiding star.

–SJB

“Leaving the Church” 8.20.21

Prince of Peace

To clarify, this illustration is a depiction on Jesus, not of my dad.

My dad, “Father Sam,” retired recently. He was my favorite preacher. Of course, I am biased, but his were not the only sermons that entered my head. I have heard other sermons at different churches. I have done my homework. Nobody preaches like my dad. His sermons resonated throughout the week, and will reside inside my mind and heart for the rest of my life. As a priest and a dad, “Father Sam” taught me many lessons. These are some examples: God is love. God forgives. Love your neighbor as yourself, and not only the person who lives next door. Keep growing. Build relationships and work through conflict with words. Encourage God to shine God’s light into your life. God is everywhere. Church is a place of fellowship and worship, but not the only place to feel God’s presence. Jesus is a corrective measure. The Kingdom of Heaven is on Earth.

I grew up in the forests; I climbed the tallest trees. I swam in the cold, refreshing whitewater rivers. I wanted to be Pocahontas. My family camped, hiked, swam, and traveled the country. I have never seen a family bond like the one we share. Dad plays a large role in gluing us together.

When I was little, going to church was mandatory. I thought the point of church was to hear Dad preach. Over the years, worship has changed me, and now I know Daily Morning Prayer Rite II by heart. I confess that I have not read the Bible cover to cover, but I have heard most of the parables, and a good many Old Testament stories. The ritual of Holy Communion has always been sacred to me. I have taken a leave of absence from the church. It is no longer my duty to show up, worship, and keep important secrets. Though I am relieved of my “preacher’s kid” duties, I feel a little empty inside. It is an emptiness I cannot fill with material possessions, no matter how full my Amazon shopping cart becomes. God is everywhere, and much like mental illness, God appears invisible, though I have faith because I believe in the unseen.

I have thought about this for some time. Going to church all the Sundays of my life has been special to me. My mom, three sisters and I have always been seated in the front pew. As I understand, it is hard for a child to concentrate and listen for an hour. So, my earlier days in the church were spent reading, coloring, and listening selectively. The most special part about that time in my life was napping on my mom’s lap. As an adult in church, I have often been tempted to do the same.

When I was six years old, my friend, Rob, and I became acolytes. We carried the candles during the procession into and out of the church. Early Christians worshipped in caves to hide their spiritual practices from those who meant them harm. The purpose of the candles in the procession is to remind us of the darkness of the caves, where the only light shining inside was that of the candles and of God’s Holy presence within.

I realize now that the church does not rest on my dad’s shoulders. It is more complicated. My relationship with God was instilled inside of me from the start, and while my dad had a hand in guiding Jesus into my heart, God has been there all along. Leave the church? Maybe for a bit of a vacation, but probably not forever.

—SJB

“Berman: The Face of Mental Illness”

I apologize if you receive this article twice.

You may be wondering how Berman got his name. When I was little, my dad told stories to me and my little sisters about Sarah, Josh, and Berman. Berman was the “bad guy,” so Sarah and Josh were always on the run trying not to fall for his tricks or trip into one of his traps. Dad told us many stories. We used to beg him to tell us the last Berman story, but always he said, “Not yet.” Berman’s stories were so inspiring, and I asked Dad if Berman could serve another purpose. He gave me permission, and then my mental illness had a name. I picked up the story where he left off, because I realize now that there will never be a last Berman story. I was afraid, angry, and frustrated with Berman until he became a friend. Who could stay mad at that face?

-SJB

“Christmas in July” 8.6.21

I am soaking in the melody of this morning, as my dog and husband are sleeping. The early birds are catching worms and the crickets haven’t yet realized that night is over. The small quiet sounds are peaceful; I am listening to the day awakening. Sometimes lack of noise on the outside invites thoughts and regrets on the inside. Recently, my family celebrated “Christmas in July” literally, as we were not able to gather for the real festivities last year. I don’t think we always appreciate the wonderful people in our lives. I had a month to catch up with my little sister, Jessica, before she moved across the country. I wish I had spent more time with her, but if I look deeper, I see that our time together was valuable and good quality. There are always regrets and things we could have done differently. Coulda, Woulda, Shoulda.

One problem with our pretend Christmas was that it was supposed to be my parents and all of my sisters and brothers. We weren’t all present. We had planned very far in advance so that we could set the date in everyone’s calendar. We were missing my sister, Amy–who suddenly found herself buried in work on Saturday and Sunday–and my brother, Rob, who usually doesn’t go anywhere without her. The family dynamic is thrown off balance when any of my family members are absent from group gatherings. Every member of our family carries a different candle, and when a candle is absent, that bit of darkness is distinguishable.

Mom rented a boat on Sunday to increase the fun factor of “Christmas in July,” and we spent the day on the lake. Logan (our dog) spent the day at his sister’s house because he is little, doesn’t have a life jacket, and can’t swim. Not a good combination. I think he had a better time in the yard than he would have on the boat, despite his love for sun bathing.

It was a great day. A day without worries or obligations. If you didn’t wear sunscreen, it was noticeable later. We swam in the lake, had a picnic, and felt the wind in our hair.

There is no better way to be reminded of what you have until you almost lose it. While my sister, Jessica, was here I was in the mindset that even when she lived far away, she would always be around; she would probably return to our part of the country one day. I took her for granted. She and Dad drove the truck and trailer to Virginia to gather her possessions and then headed to her new home in Portland. When they were two hours from their destination, they were moving slowly and about to stop for gas. The driver behind them was coming up fast and not paying attention. Luckily, my dad is a good driver and noticed this in his side mirror. He told Jessica, her dog, and two cats to “Hold on.” They were hit hard from behind; the truck and trailer flipped and landed right side up. The truck, trailer, and most of Jessica’s belongings were totaled. Dad, Jessica, her dog and two cats walked away physically unscathed.

Every night since, I have had a hard time falling asleep because I cannot shake the fact that I almost lost two of my favorite people in this world. This near-death experience amplifies the voice in my head that screams, “Appreciate them! Love them! Spend every moment with those you love as if it is your last chance.” I will never take them for granted again. Let this be a lesson that no one is invincible and we must love as deeply as we possibly can.

–SJB

“Alone Together” 7.30.21

I often speak the truth that no one is truly alone. There is support and community if you know how to find it, and several others who share similar stories. I am lucky to have such loving family and friends to see me through the good times and the bad. However; they cannot understand fully what I am dealing with in my head, because they have not experienced my trauma first-hand. Often, I feel alone. I want to tell you a story about a place I used to go, where I felt safe and loved among friends who were struggling to control their lives and rebuild their social skills.

When I finally got out of the hospital, having lost the 25th year of my life to psychosis, I attended many group therapy sessions, but that wasn’t enough to get me back into the swing of things. I then discovered a clubhouse filled with people like me: people who knew what was going on in my head because they were experiencing several of the same delusions, thoughts, voices, side-effects, and stories I needed to hear. I felt accepted for who I am, happy, and surrounded by others who “got” me. I have never found such communion anywhere else.

I met people from all walks of life. There was free lunch and we all had chores to accomplish by the end of the day to keep the clubhouse clean. My best friend, Eric, and I liked to work together to knock out the dishwashing after lunch. We really enjoyed the secretary position. We called all members who hadn’t visited in a while and checked on them to see how they were doing. Sometimes the problems could be fixed. Transportation was the biggest issue. Not even the bus was free.

My dad is an Episcopal priest, and during those hard times, I frequently used my prayer book. Eric and I would pray together when we had the “secretary” chore and weren’t busy. Eric got so involved that he became an Episcopalian!

I would like to say that I don’t feel lonely, but where I live, there isn’t anything like the support provided to me by that clubhouse. I miss it dearly. I especially miss Eric and all of the amazing people with whom we congregated. I can spout the words that you are not truly alone. That is the truth. Another truth is that it is harder to handle issues like these without the support of others who really do understand. They are rays of sunshine on any cloudy day.

Eric, if you are reading this, I want you to know how much your friendship changed my life. Thank you.

—SJB

“Relief” 7.23.21

In my childhood, I was quiet, shy, and observant; I was a wall flower swaying in the wind. I was an angry child when something or someone got in my way. I was a weepy twelve-year-old, as I was experiencing the early signs of Depression, without knowing his name.

When I was sixteen years old, my life was forever changed. I was diagnosed with Bipolar I Disorder, and was so relieved that this illness had a name and a treatment plan. To this day, it is still the greatest sense of relief I have ever experienced.

If you have been reading my blog entries and or my books, you know this story. If you haven’t, feel free to catch up. In my life, I repeat stories so often because I cannot remember who I told what and when. So I tell recycled tales. I don’t want to tell that story today.

I want the world to know that I am no longer hiding and it has been a huge weight lifted off my shoulders. I was expecting to feel vulnerable and fragile. I realized that owning my truth–no matter who knows about it, who praises me, or who thinks I am crazy–has brought me to a place of strength and opened my mouth to spout the words too many people are afraid to confront. Yes, I have mood swings. Yes, sometimes I see things and hear things others don’t. Yes, I have delusions.

Ask me anything and I will speak to you about the topics that make society feel uncomfortable. I welcome discomfort, because it leads others away from the stigma and shows the outside world that mental illness is real and needs to be discussed. I cannot pretend that I know everything about mental illness, but I have experienced crippling trauma and risen from the grave to tell my story to the world.

I have experienced great success if only one person is touched by my words. I am in pursuit of change and am right on its heels.

—SJB

“Play” 7.16.21

I spent the past week with my husband’s family, who has welcomed me with open arms. I have felt a strong sense of connection with them for several years, and now it’s official. I have acquired the big brother I have always wanted, a fourth sister, three nieces and a nephew. I also have the most wonderful mother and father in-law. My new family has always included me in fun activities and I have bonded with the kids. I could not be happier to be part of such an amazing family.

I found happiness I thought I had lost.

When I was sixteen and dealing with the first symptoms of my illness, my brain stunted my growth. I was a playful and imaginative little girl stuck in limbo. I reverted to a time when I felt safe, and surrounded myself with material possessions in pursuit of protection and comfort. I broadened my stuffed animal collection, and built an 18-inch doll army to conquer my fear and confusion. That army expanded to include eighteen 18-inch dolls, clothes, furniture, and accessories. When I was younger, my sisters and I collected these dolls and received one every Christmas. My collection started with four dolls. The scenarios my sisters and I played out brought fun and excitement to my life, and this was where I found solace. In an attempt to shelter me from the pain and suffering I was experiencing because of my illness, my brain retrieved those memories and covered me with that happiness, causing my collection to grow, though I had no one to play with anymore.

Until now.

I now have three nieces who love to play dolls with me. The youngest enjoys it the most, and takes pride in caring for her dolls. The middle child loves to work with their hair. The oldest plays with us because it is so much fun she cannot miss it. I have not felt this happy in a long time. Upon arriving home after this vacation, the youngest of the girls touched my heart. She drew a picture of me, her “Aunt Sam,” and my dog, Logan. She wrote about how much fun she had playing dolls with me. I think I enjoyed it more than any of them. I am grateful for their boisterous laughter and active imaginations. I returned to a time when I was happiest, and those girls bestowed that happiness upon me. I am so excited to be “Aunt Sam.”

—SJB

 

“Movement” 7.9.21

My books are my children. They are my legacy. I am truly and completely aware that I have found my calling and have a purpose in this life. It is of utmost importance that I create change, open minds, and aid in the healing of those suffering by my side. Life is not easy for anyone. There are hard times that yield happy endings. There are good times that fade. There is hope in the hearts of many, which may be dashed by dire circumstances, or live on to pay forward words of encouragement and light to follow. For the first time, I feel that my books are making a difference in the lives of others, which has been my goal from the start. My husband owns an art gallery and sells my work there. I said to him that it would be the highest honor if someone were to steal a book. I don’t encourage that, but my books are meant to help, not to fill my pockets with gold. If you wonder why my books are so expensive, or where the money goes, I am happy to tell you that your money funds the reprints of each of my books, making it possible for more people to discover them and to spread my message all over the world. Your money also helps in the production of my third book, which is under construction. You are vital supporters of this movement, and I am so very grateful!

—SJB