“Twelve Again” 3.26.21

I am currently experiencing the deepest depression I have encountered since the very first time I was depressed. It is not because of oatmeal, or apple juice, or any underlying reason I can think of. I haven’t been triggered. Still, the depression washes over me like a tidal wave from which I cannot surface. There are key differences between the depression I am suffering now and the first time it coursed through my veins. This time, I know that with the right medication and therapy I will push through to the other side. I have shared bits of my first depression story, but not all. I will try to recount those first few hard weeks.

When I was twelve years old, and Justin Timberlake was around eighteen or so, I had a mad crush on him. N*SYNC is indisputably the best boy band the world has ever known. When I was twelve, I loved listening to one of my favorite N*SYNC CDs every night, crying myself to sleep. It was so moving and romantic and I figured I would never love another person the way I loved Justin. But he would never know. I figure that’s a reason to cry, but it wasn’t the reason for my silent suffering and the tears that spilled from my eyes.

At the time, no one knew how to help, and I just thought it was normal to feel that sad. As time passed, I began to realize that there really was something going on in my mind but I didn’t know what to do about it. My pediatrician tried to figure me out, but psychiatry wasn’t his area of expertise, so my suffering continued for a few horrible weeks and then it became a little piece of myself that never truly went away. I stayed at home from school for about a week, wrapped up in comforters without an appetite and drinking only apple juice. This was a time of much change in my life. My family moved to an unfamiliar part of the state, and still my depression enveloped me. I skipped school, and my mom stayed by my side to help me with my mountain of make-up work. I remember sitting on the floor wrapped in an old blue sleeping bag while Mom and I made it through The Odyssey. Then the veil of depression was lifted and I went back to my new school, made friends, played soccer, and strived to be “normal.”

Now I am taking an anti-depressant in the mornings and it hasn’t really kicked in yet. I take a load of pills at night to help me sleep because that is very important for my condition. Mood stabilizers keep me from having too much energy, but lately they have been pushing me down really hard. The mood stabilizers I am currently taking are so very helpful most of the time, but they reduce the serotonin production in my brain. Serotonin is the chemical in our brains which causes us to feel happy. I have never felt so far away from happiness.

It is important to note that I am not suicidal, no matter how unhappy I am. I have many reasons to live, and many people I love. I will make it through this. That is the key difference between my first bout with depression and this one. I know I will heal, no matter how slowly. If you are feeling as miserable as I am and depression darkens your door, know that you are not alone. There is a light in the darkness.

This too shall pass.

—SJB

P.S. Now there is a man in my life who inspires smiles and laughter instead of the tears that JT brought upon me every night when I was twelve. I just had to wait twenty years.

National Suicide Hotline:

988