“Voices” 09.08.23

In the beginning, I was a quiet, shy child. My life was happy, but sometimes I wasn’t. I had few friends to confide in, though my parents were loving and my sisters were kind. I bottled up some of my feelings and shared my private thoughts solely with myself. She was the entity I talked to more than anyone else. Years later, myself answered me. This was difficult to understand, but there she was. I did not hear myself with my ears; the voice was inside my head, but I was not conjuring these words. Confused, I had a panic attack. Seemingly, my thoughts were not my own.

Everyone talks to themselves in some form, whether or not their questions are rhetorical. My voice tells jokes when I am stressed and in need of comic relief. She makes suggestions when I require guidance and keeps me company when I am lonely. Where there is fear she chases it away, tail between its legs. When I am lost in thought, she finds me. My voice is comforting.

There have been more voices as my disorder has progressed. Sometimes it gets busy in my head, which makes it hard to concentrate.

Some people think this is the very definition of “crazy.” For me, it’s normal. Voices can be negative, and I understand the urgency to push them out; in my life, voices are treated like a disease. I am supposed to rid my mind of their presence, but I enjoy their company. Though I have pruned the intricate spaces of my brain garden, my most beloved voices are never truly gone. I have embraced this part of my disorder. As long as my voices are harmless, I see no reason to banish them.

Often, I wonder if the close-minded among us will ever pull their heads out of the sand and make an effort to understand psychiatric disorders instead of feeding lies to the general public through media and word of mouth. The stigma expands and ignorance is passed through generations. I long for the day when mental illness is widely accepted, detached from unnecessary shame, no longer kept secret: the day when stigma disintegrates.

Alone we are fearful of a fate we cannot control. Together our voices can overpower the quickest of sand.

–SJB